Soon, year 2016 will come to an end.
And I thought, I needed to let go of my excess baggage.
My intention here is just to let out what I truly feel and what exactly happened.
In year 2011, is the year that Roy and I eventually stepped out of that relationship.
He got another woman.
Me, on the other hand, met with another man.
If you were to ask me back then, why I decided to leave, the following were the factors.
I subconsciously knew I needed to step away.
1) I don't want to be in a abusive relationship anymore.
2) Perhaps, that point of time, behaviorally, Roy have changed, like he claimed that he no longer the abusive person, but for me, I was already shattered.
3) I felt that both of us have internal conflicts that we needed to resolve.
4) I chose to disregard the ideology of marriage (Roy decided to settle down when knowing that I got to know TJ; hence this questioned his sincerity and ingenuity of settling down with me) because I don't want to get married for the sake of we had a son. When both have internal conflicts because this will lead to either one of us triggering / having petty arguments because of our internal conflicts.
5) All long, I felt that I was a barrier between Roy and his Mother. I shall not disclose further why I felt that way. I wanted Roy man-up and resolve his family issues before settling us.
Me, on the other hand, I messed up and married TJ.
Then again, I shouldn't be questioning my fate.
That was what written for me, the path that I needed to go through.
I thought by marrying TJ, I can fight all odds and hopes for miracle.
Off hand, is not easy to go through my path.
Fair enough, that marriage did not work, and I am not blaming TJ entirely.
Partially I take the blame as well.
We are not meant to be.
He was a nice man enough for me before and I am grateful, Allah s.w.t. given me the opportunity to be a wife, even for a short while.
As a human, I have forgiven him.
I am very much in better place for now.
As for Roy, I understand, it is not easy to be a single father.
I will give him all the credits to him without asking anything in return.
I have longed forgiven him for all the abusive episodes. I take the blame as well. I know, I was very much naive, egocentric and bold.
Nonetheless, I hope he will find someone who can shower him with lots of love.
Me?
Being divorced is not what I always plan for.
But, I come to terms to accept my fate.
I rather be alone for now.
I am not even looking for love.
I am also not settling for less.
Cinta itu tidak seharusnya memiliki.
Carilah lelaki yang mencintai Allah, kerana dengan mencintai Allah, timbullah perasaan takut dan sedar akan kebesaran ciptaan wanita. Dari situ, dia akan rasa takut untuk menyakiti. Wallahuallam.
