As I close this chapter of my life.

Soon, year 2016 will come to an end.

And I thought, I needed to let go of my excess baggage.

My intention here is just to let out what I truly feel and what exactly happened.

In year 2011, is the year that Roy and I eventually stepped out of that relationship.

He got another woman.

Me, on the other hand, met with another man.

If you were to ask me back then, why I decided to leave, the following were the factors.

I subconsciously knew I needed to step away.

1) I don't want to be in a abusive relationship anymore.

2) Perhaps, that point of time, behaviorally, Roy have changed, like he claimed that he no longer the abusive person, but for me, I was already shattered.

3) I felt that both of us have internal conflicts that we needed to resolve. 

4) I chose to disregard the ideology of  marriage (Roy decided to settle down when knowing that I got to know TJ; hence this questioned his sincerity and ingenuity of settling down with me)  because I don't want to get married for the sake of we had a son. When both have internal conflicts because this will lead to either one of us triggering / having petty arguments because of our internal conflicts.

5) All long, I felt that I was a barrier between Roy and his Mother. I shall not disclose further why I felt that way. I wanted Roy man-up and resolve his family issues before settling us.

Me, on the other hand, I messed up and married TJ.

Then again, I shouldn't be questioning my fate.

That was what written for me, the path that I needed to go through.

I thought by marrying TJ, I can fight all odds and hopes for miracle.

Off hand, is not easy to go through my path.

Fair enough, that marriage did not work, and I am not blaming TJ entirely.

Partially I take the blame as well.

We are not meant to be.

He was a nice man enough for me before and I am grateful, Allah s.w.t. given me the opportunity to be a wife, even for a short while.

As a human, I have forgiven him.

I am very much in better place for now.

As for Roy, I understand, it is not easy to be a single father.

I will give him all the credits to him without asking anything in return.

I have longed forgiven him for all the abusive episodes. I take the blame as well. I know, I was very much naive, egocentric and bold.

Nonetheless, I hope he will find someone who can shower him with lots of love.

Me?

Being divorced is not what I always plan for.

But, I come to terms to accept my fate.

I rather be alone for now.

I am not even looking for love.

I am also not settling for less.

Cinta itu tidak seharusnya memiliki.

Carilah lelaki yang mencintai Allah, kerana dengan mencintai Allah, timbullah perasaan takut dan sedar akan kebesaran ciptaan wanita. Dari situ, dia akan rasa takut untuk menyakiti. Wallahuallam. 

Engaged+Wedd-ed+Departed

The title says it all.

I have come a very long way.

It has been quite sometime since I last update this blog.
I thought this site of mine was already taken down due to non-active blogging.
Somehow, I managed to retrieve this page of mine.

The page where I shared my occasional rants; my selective postings about my  happiness, my sadness and whatever I felt need be.

I start reminiscing the past. I teared quite a bit.

To see how much I have grown as a person and the things that I actually went through, if it ain’t because of that, I am not here, standing strong.

Like I've mentioned in previous post, Roy and I couldn't make it through all the odds.

Apparently, things happened for reasons and the fact nobody can go against God's will, says it all.

We departed ways. Me, unwillingly, then.

What actually happened to me and Roy?
It all started or began in the early 2011.

I remember we had a tiff which kind of dragged until both of us screwed up and exit the relationship drastically.

Someone came in Roy’s life during that phase.

A guy by the name of TJ came around in my life in May 2011. 

And how this TJ came about? 

That very faithful day, I remember clearly Roy wanted to meet me and mommy at our place; to resolve our relationship issues.
Somehow, he did not turn up.

Mom on the other hand was already anticipating him to drop by to have dinner.Huge bummer!

And he chose not to turn up and just make us wait.

For that period of time, I actually had de-activated my facebook account.

That night itself, my instinct tells me that something was not right.

I decided to log in to my facebook account and saw Roy check-in to club with that woman at a club.

I was extremely infuriated. 

I stomped out of the house.

The next thing I knew, that very night itself, I got to know TJ.

Long story short, honestly I wasn't into this TJ and all I want to do was to just get back on Roy’s nerves. 

I thought TJ was there to just pass the time. 

I always thought that I can easily be out from that unwanted relationship with TJ.

TJ knew what I was going through. 

TJ knew I was very vulnerable and yet 

TJ took advantage of the whole situation. 

TJ was being too good to be true. 

A lot of things happened during that year itself, typically man will always be man. 

TJ was not the perfect match either. 

I just needed TJ to be there to make sure Roy doesn't bother nor disturb my life anymore. 

That was it.

My ego taking control of my life, literally. I was so overwhelmed with raging emotions.
I exited from Roy's life right there and then. I just cannot handle that anymore.

In early 2012, I re-activated my Facebook. 

Roy assumed I was hacking his Facebook and added myself in his friend's list, which was not the case.

Unfortunately,  same time, TJ screwed up.
TJ betrayed me.

And I thought that the best time for me to move on out of that unwanted relationship quick.

Me and Roy started contacting again, relatively because of Andy. 

But things got way intense for me once more.
Me and Roy started heated arguments again especially me. 

I was just to numbed at that point of time. 
Roy asked, if I'm still with TJ. I wanted to come clean and tell him the truth but somehow .. haisss..

I wanted badly to move out of that mess. But I did not mentioned that to Roy.

Eventually, me and Roy made plans. 
We met and brought Andy to Pasir Ris to spend quality time. 

Roy was still asking the caused of our break-up. 
I avoided that question as much as possible. Not because I don't want. I don't know why and the reason for that. I chose not to talk about it. I was avoiding because I knew, I wasn’t mean to leave. I knew, Roy was really upset and disappointed in me. Seeing him in that ordeal, was already tormenting for me. As much as I wanted to hug him and apologise to him, I couldn’t do it.

TJ eventually found out about me meeting Roy.

I told TJ, I wanted to break up. 

TJ knew I might come back to Roy. 

TJ started to get very anxious and perhaps, not liking that idea of me going after Roy. 

Once more, I'm trapped with his game.

TJ gave chased and promised that he will never hurt me anymore. That wasn't his first time.

Mama and Baba (TJ's parent) came to light about TJ's mischief.

Both came to me, especially Mama wanted me to give his son another chance.

My relationship with his parents were very close.

After much thoughts, I relented 

Mama and Baba suggested that we should settle down.

TJ was of course delighted and quickly discussed with the parents brought them to see my parents.

Of course, I felt obligated to that settling down because TJ's promises was so surreal.

TJ was being all nice and stuffs. 

I knew, I was suffocated.

On the other hand, I knew there is no chances to rekindle what's lost between me and Roy that point of time.

I just have to put everything behind.

Deep down, I knew, I’m literally crashing.

As planned, TJ and me got engaged in late 2012. 

Flashback I knew TJ only barely a year (i.e. May 2011)

During that period of being engaged, it was already struggling.

I knew, I'm not up for that arrangement. I am not sure what kind of mess I will get myself into.

I was very helpless. I could not voice out my unhappiness. Perhaps, I don’t know how.

I pulled through. I decided to drift apart from social medias, family and friends. 

I felt nobody would understand me better, I rather swallowed down everything on my own knowing that was the path I chose.

Year 2014, 3 months months prior to that big day, once again, TJ screwed up AGAIN.

And what triggered that to happen? Just because, I'm just being myself, I am hell skeptical about that damn marriage life with him, and so, I started questioning his sincerity and  if he was genuinely up for that marriage life.

I said, I was very skeptical of settling down with him. We had a major tiff. And just that.
The problem with him, he will never sit down and talk things and clarify my doubts.
I just felt, for a second, he wanted to be with me partially because as a man, he felt that he won the battle against Roy. 
Why I say this? Knowing his past relationship history, girls would actually stayed through with him for good few weeks odd. That was what this fella claimed.

And I felt that for some reason he scored me because 
(1) me being vulnerable 
(2)boost his man'e ego for wining over someone’s girlfriend 
(3) nobody can accept him for who he is.

There are just so, so many things about TJ came to light nearing that big day.

Plus, TJ managed to make me feel like Roy dumped me, and nobody can accept me and my past with Roy, somehow. Urghhhh.. 

TJ was missing in action for a good solid ONE month in June 2014.

We were engaged for one and the half year by then.

I wanted to resolve the issues on my own and possibly find my way out without the need to discuss further with both parents.
How far can I hide?

Mommy on the other hand became suspicious.
Panic mode activated!
Truth out!

While TJ was on the run, me as usual, have to sit down and do the talkings.
I am just so freaking annoyed.
Right there and then, I wanted to call it off!

His parents on the other hand tried to console me and ensuring me that things will be ok.

TJ’s mother just won’t let me go. 
She insisted that she wanted me to be her daughter in law.

For that one month, I just could not get hold of him.
Allah heard my prayers.

I managed to nab him one night. All I wanted for him was to make it official and to let me go for once and for all.

I wanted for him to man-up and inform both sides to let me go for go!

I am jaded!

As soon as I walked out from his life, TJ made him gave me another round of chases! 

TJ's parents were literally BEGGING me to give the son another chance.

TJ on the other hand, came over to my house, begging on his knees to take him back and vowed to never ever hurt me. I was just so freaking mad and helpless at the same time.

My mom on the other hand, tried to console me, his mother consoled me.

Invites were out and all deposits made.  I think through it again.

One more time, I made the painful sacrifices.
Reluctantly, I proceed with the wedding.
But I gave TJ a piece of my mind, I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME ANYMORE. 
DAMN, he have a lot of proving to do.
TJ agreed to MY terms and conditions.

TJ just blew all the chances and opportunities given to him.
His life line? He knew I have soft spot for his parents.
He took that to his advantages.

And I thought blessings from dear parents were so important and it isn't fair for the parents to do the explaining, when the one should hold the responsible should be TJ.

About a month before the wedding, my ex-boyfriend, Isqandar ( my 3 odd years relationship during high school) texted me. 
Long story short, he got to know somehow I was going to get married. 
We had a deep conversation. He asked how sure I am about marrying TJ. 
He said he don't want me to regret and end up like him.

A week before the wedding, I met a close girlfriend of mine.
I remember saying "Babe, I don't know if this marriage can last."

On that very day of solemnization, truthfully I wasn't anticipating at all. 
I didn't feel anything. 
Many things screwed up which I shall not disclose here.

In order to be mindful of both parents feelings, again, I leave it to fate.

Amazingly, i didn't even try to be funny and have external affairs with any man.
Perhaps, I was mentally and physically drained with all the things that have been happening.
I live each day by day hoping miracle do wonders and perhaps for me to be able to love TJ unconditionally.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't come at all. It just didn't worked out that way even I tried to commit.
Throughout my marriage life, I can say,most of the time that status were just on a piece of paper.
I know I am very much hurt.

I was struggling to be a wife.

It didn’t come as natural and as easy it would be.

I don't yearn for TJ's attention.

We live life as individual. Most of the time I would just occupy myself with work.

I was already shattered.

But again, never once I would betray him.

Promises after promises made. 

TJ triggered my patience again.

And that happened when I least expected it.
There is a saying "The leopard can't change its spot."

This time round, he blew all the chances and trust that was given, not only from me but both parents.
Enough is enough.

And that was my very last straw.

Typically, we had a petty arguments.
He left the house and never came home.
I thought he needed time.
I went on with my daily routine going to work and go home.

I avoided my parents.
How much more can I take?
Allah is great.
Wife instinct kills.
One by one, I managed to get all the "evidence".

I shall skipped some parts that I shall not disclose.

Fast forward,

Eventually TJ said that official talak.
The witnesses was Mommy and his biological sister.
That happened at home.
Achik and Abah were there as well.

"AKU CERAIKAN KAU TALAK SATU."
Those phrases already strong enough to ruin a woman's wall.
I had no tears.

I felt something for sure. But definitely not sadness.

 I felt alive again. I felt very light and not burden. All were very worried for me. I was still actually confused with myself.

Mommy, Abah, Achik was very accommodating and comforting me. My nights are painful. I started questioning why? Why I have to go through this?

Mommy, Abah and Achik actually questioned TJ, why is it so easy for him to say that TALAK, when all along he begged me to stay to be with him.

All he can say, I am very vulgar and violence.

But they don’t know what actually TJ have been doing behind my back that actually, all along.

The very next day, TJ filed for the divorce proceedings right away.
I made my way with dear Mom shortly after.
Rin nekad.

From that day, I spend my  most of time time devoted on prayer mat.

Seeking for solace. Seeking for answers. Where did I go wrong or messed up?

Or is there any baggage that I didn't let go sub-consciously?

And I thought, if that divorce was my rock-bottom.

I am very grateful and very blessed because during that ordeal, Allah surround me with kind hearted people to remind me to be strong, to remind me that I am not alone. 

One thing for sure, I rather be alone.